CERTIFIED UNBELIEVABLE FOOTAGE
WOODLAND DIVISION · 2026
THERE IS A GNOME
IN THIS VIDEO.
CHILD MAY BE CONSUMED BY A SMALL MAN
DO NOT TAKE THE GNOME'S SIDE IN THIS MATTER.
EVERYTHING IS HAND-DRAWN BY A COMPUTER THAT IS NOT QUALIFIED TO DRAW.
TRY + GNOME. IT SHOULD NOT BE A BUTTON BUT IT IS.
REAL
+ Film transcript / notes / keyboard controls
00:00 Found-footage warning. 00:04 Hansel walks through the woods. 00:09 A tiny creature with a pointed hat sees him. 00:15 The gnome follows Hansel and accelerates for no clear reason. 00:20 The gnome opens an impossibly large cartoon mouth and swallows Hansel. No graphic violence is shown. 00:24 A single shoe is found beside an exceptionally satisfied gnome. 00:29 A mushroom is questioned and provides very little useful testimony. 00:33 Large title: GNOMES ATE MY SON.
Keys: Space = play/pause; left/right = 3 seconds backward/forward; Home = beginning; G = add another gnome. Click the film to pause. Sound begins only when you activate it. Reduced-motion preferences start playback paused. All illustrations, effects and sounds are generated in the document itself; no external assets or network access required.
Visual techniques adapted from Uncommon Web by Teknium: Rough.js boiling-line animation, p5.grain-style print noise and ink dropout, mo.js-style staged impacts, and short ZzFX-inspired synthesized effects. No external library code is embedded.